


It's The Living That Kills You

by JanusOliver



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cynicism, Gen, Sarcasm, Stream of Consciousness, supposed to be humorous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 19:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13933749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanusOliver/pseuds/JanusOliver
Summary: Have you ever had a bad day and decided to contemplate life, the universe, and everything? Good news Doug Adams answered your question. I'm just a bitter asshole with nothing better to do than tell you what you already know.





	It's The Living That Kills You

**Author's Note:**

> I was pretty bitter when I wrote and I still am. But on the bright side after trolling this hell site for almost a decade I've finally made and posted something with an account.

I need a goddamned break from life, the universe, and everything!! Hell, Maybe even the number 42, cause I can’t Take it take it take it take it take it take it take it take it any fucking more. I’m too tired to go on but too scared of pain to end it. Life is fucking pain and anyone who tells you that God, Gods, Goddesses, Money, Modern Living, or possibly family is worth it is obviously someone who has bought into their own bullshit. Being born is like setting up an iTunes account when you finally get that iPhone (probably iPhone42 cause the way this is going Apple is of course gonna get more creative with their names.) and then come the part where Apple goes….”Whoa, whoa, whoa…Hold up there hoss, I know you want an iTunes account, but please read these terms and conditions before you agree so you know exactly what you and your wallet are getting into.”  
Except you, the fucking idiot that you are, are too focused on the fact that your dumbass now has an iPhone and you already aren’t that great at technology and the lady hawking phones doesn't want to be there and is already starting to give you the evil eye surreptitiously cause she works for less than minimum wage and commission and your dumbass is getting in the way of other money she could make so her bills get paid and her life doesn’t go to shambles like yours obviously is cause you had to re-type your email four types cause you're a thirsty motherfucker for societal validation of having an iPhone, so you you click that accept button of the terms and conditions without reading them, not that you would’ve done it in the privacy of your own home/apartment/room/bathroom, but you were feeling particularly anxious in the outside world where you have to wear pants and care about other peoples’ feelings.  
Basically you just described your own dumb face when you decided to come into the world. Your dumb face didn’t bother to even check with God/Ether/Space/or whatever the fuck asshole is sending conscious people into this god forsaken world had to say about going out into the world, nah you just went toward towards the light after nine or so months of playing parasite and forcing some poor woman to pee 53 times a night for three months of your parasite hood, but congratulations Son, you are now a human with all the bullshit that is now your life for the next however many years you’re gonna be alive, plus the years that your loving family shoves you into a nursing home. Where all the nurses quickly find out that you have a flat personality, and the only thing that stands out to them is the rather annoying and aggravating amount of times you’ve shit your pants 20 minutes after they’ve helped you onto the toilet. This is made even more aggravating by the fact they are woefully short staffed and it takes two of those poor girls to lift your fat ass on to the pot.  
So good job, Welcome to Life. It’s gonna be the best. Unfortunately for you, you ungrateful mouth breather you didn't have someone as kind as me to tell you a few home truths about the fact that life sucks and now that you've decided to be born let me introduce you to the lovely thing that we in the business like to call…..Society. Add a couple spirit fingers and rainbow confetti and we got a proper show for you. So here’s the low down from the point that you decided to leave some woman’s womb in really bloody, painful, and potentially lethal(to the woman) crotch rocket into your new and exciting life everything about you is going to be judged.   
As a newly expelled flesh bag the doctor is immediately going to look at that culturally taboo no touch place and tell you that you’re either a boy or a girl. Surprise!!! Not even, three minutes into this world and you’ve already been judged and sorted into a box, a new record!! ( Not really, everyone goes through this bullshit and later if you decide you don’t fit into the category the doctor gave you, you can change yourself, but be careful someone might just murder you for daring to change the parts of yourself that you pee with.) So good job, glad to meet you, you unfortunate bastard.


End file.
